Something happened in my childhood that made me completely adverse to shopping. I don’t know if the event was real or in my mind, but it feels real and I struggle to shop for myself. Truthfully, I struggle to do a few things for myself and it’s something I’m working through.
I bought a pair of pants the other day, 3 of them to be exact. It felt good, which was a new feeling. I know people that like to shop and buy new clothes and shoes like it is routine. To me, it used to feel like I was being tortured. I would hesitate to buy or I would create a bullshit excuse to talk myself out of making the purchase. Anyways, I actually clicked “confirm purchase” and I felt a weight lift off my chest and I’m like is this what y’all be feeling?
Don’t get me wrong, I have clothes, y’all may or may not have seen my IG… My wife has just been supporting me and keeping me styled. But I’m 31, it’s about time I get my shit together and figure it out.
As I explore these feelings, I think that I was and still to an extent feel like money is such an elusive thing. I wasn’t poor growing up, my parents were stable enough to keep all needs met and provided some of our wants. However, I’ve almost always been aware of the penny pinching that occurred to make certain things happen. I look at my parents & how they invest in themselves and I see where I get it from. I’m never here to bash my parents or talk down about them. They did the best they could with what they had and where they were in life, and I’ve learned that adulthood is simply unlearning what we picked up in childhood and learning new (and hopefully more effective) tactics.
I'm still unlearning some things and i'm still pushing through that urge to create an excuse, but I will say it feels good to do something small for myself. One day we’ll talk in depth about the things we learned from our parents that aren’t just about toxic emotional traits, but today, I’d just like to celebrate that I bought some pants.
P.S. Since writing this I have bought a couple shirts too.